My future. I have a horrible habit...

... of thinking too much about decision-making. Ever since I began thinking about not enlisting in the army to go away to graduate school instead, I've not been able to concentrate or focus on anything. I had trouble falling asleep last night, and then had trouble staying asleep. Lots of rolling around, fidgeting, and ceiling-staring.

On one hand, I have the option of enlisting in the army and studying Chinese. All-in-all, its an amazing opportunity. I get paid to learn a language, may be able to travel, get part of my college repaid, extra money for when I leave... but then I noticed a trend. Money. Do I wanna be THIS guy?? ->
Even though the idea of learning Chinese seems really fun, would the job I do be gratifying at all? Yes I would love to learn, but translating military documents and the sort just aren't my cup of tea. Yeah I would be getting a whole lot of financial help, but would it be worth it in the end?

On the other hand, I have this new passion that I am so drawn to it shocks me. I have always been interested in women's and gender studies, but it wasn't until I was in the classes listening to my professors and reading the texts that I realized just how fascninated I am by it all. I feel a connection to it and I've never felt more motivated to study and be involved. Although History does interest me, it doesn't fire me up like my women's studies courses do. Because with women's studies, I feel like I can help change things for the better. Ever since being in Japan and seeing a complete lack of and acceptance of social and cultural equality between men and women (don't even get me started on gay rights there...), I've wanted to help change things... I WANT to change things! I want to help people...

So I'm faced with two options, but which have positive and negative outcomes. I can not join the army, go to graduate school and do what I love to do, although it will throw me further into debt to the point where I am concerned about my ability to be self-suffient. -OR- I can join the army and be financially sound and get free training but hide a huge part of my life and supress who I am and do a job that I could care less about and be driven soley by money. ... Fuck. Passion or Money?

I was talking with my sister about this. This is (basically) what she had to say:

"Megan, I don't think you'll be happy in the Army. Fuck money. Everyone else is broke too, not only you. You can find a job doing what you love and pay off your bills just like everyone else."

I am going to talk to my women's studies professor and see what she has to say. I need some advice... if I end up not enlisting, I have to find a university and program, a way to pay for it, and how and when I can graduate. Plus the disappointment that I'm afraid changing my plans would cause from my parents and family scare me. They seemed sorta happy when I mentioned wanting to enlist, and the reaction that some of them gave after I told them about wanting to study women's issues put me down a lot... I don't know what to do.

All I can say is that I'm so happy that it is the weekend and tomorrow will be amazing and is keeping me going.

-sigh-
XOXO