I am stuck. I want to go outside and run, but it is super-cold and snowing. So instead I wanted to go to the gym to work out but on saturdays it doesn't open until after noon (and I have things to do after noon so I can't go). THEN tonight I would go after work but they have this big playground thing and I can't exercise because of it. UGH. If I didn't live on the second floor I would do jumping jacks or something...

Need... aerobic.... exercise!!

What to do, what to do...

So I'm at a point again when I'm not sure what to do for graduate school. I've started looking at a variety of graduate schools but have just made myself more confused in the process. I was thinking at one point doing women's and gender studies, but also want to direct studies towards Asia in terms of Women's studies... So, like, I'm confused as to what to do. Here is what I DO know:

• I want to be a professor one day
• I want to study women/gender studies; queer studies; Asian (Japanese) cultural studies and how they relate to women, gender, and sexuality.
  

But alas, I have NO idea as to how to go about moving towards that... I don't know what field to go into, I don't know what programs, what classes I should take, what universities I should apply to... and I can't talk to my adviser because she is pretty much useless when it comes to doing anything productive. Also, I don't know if I am academically savvy enough to accomplish this... *sigh* :(

I had a job interview yesterday to be a custodian at the rec center. I hope I got it... I would be working weekends, and would really prefer to clean bathrooms and locker rooms than working at Wendy's. I hate working with food... I should be getting notification today as to whether or not I got the position. *cross fingers*

Until next time - -
XOXO

EDIT:
I didn't get the job... surprise surprise.

I'm going to be an ugly old woman

That's right, I am. Why? Because apparently your ears and nose do not stop growing. My ears are not too bad, but have you seen my nose? I have a nice, polish ski-slope nose that will only get bigger as I get older. I'm going to look like one of those stereotypical old witches with the big noses, or like a crow or something. I'll be perfect for those wine-smelling jobs...

Not a whole lot is going on. Next week is mid-term and report week.... aka: I will have NO life. I gotta catch up with my classes, too. So each day I will dedicate for doing the past readings that i've missed for various classes. Tomorrow it will be Caesar and Christ, thursday it will be Women in American History, friday it will be Women's studies... yay for playing catch-up!

Alright, I'm going to bed now. Wakin' up at 6AM to go to the gym and do some pilates~

Until next time - -
XOXO

I am one classy lady

What do real classy ladies do? Eat Chef Boyardee while watching King of the Hill, that's what! Oh yeah, I'm awesome :)

Today Rachel and I went to a Catholic church nearby. Last week I went to church with her, so she went to my church this week. It was... interesting. haha I never realized how ritualistic mass is until I took a step back. Sit, stand, sit, stand, recite prayer, kneel, stand, recite prayer....

Then when we got back we had our cockroach experience while making breakfast. I had to kill it, but couldn't clean it up cause I am terrified of dead bugs more than live ones! Then after she left, another cockroach came out! God, it was horrible...

Then I took a 4 hour nap. aka- glorious way to spend a Sunday afternoon (I mean, I could think of other great ways, like spending it with my gf... but alas, part-time jobs get in the way!).

Today was pretty much a lazy day. I should have worked on some readings and whatnot, but... I I work better in the mornings anyway.

Alright, going to hit the hay. Night!
Until next time - -

XOXO

Cockroaches...

IN MY KITCHEN!!
Fucking ew... ewewewewewewewewewew!!!


Properly written entry to follow later on tonight~

Saturday Morning

Happy Weekend, Everybody - - Yes, it is finally Saturday and I am oh-so happy about that. I ended up falling asleep pretty early last night, which meant that I woke up too early for my own good this morning. But I guess that gave me enough time to do my yoga and start my day out right.

Yesterday I got to the point where I was just sick and tired of my shaggy, shaggy hair. So I went to a salon near here and got it all chopped off! (Much shorter than I expected, actually...) But I noticed afterward that all of the sun-bleached hair that I had was cut off, making my hair look almost brown (which makes me a sad Megan). I want my bright blonde hair back from when I was little! So after going to Toledo to visit (*coughsurprisecough*) Rachel at work, I got some hair dye and made myself a blonde again. It wasn't as bright as I thought it would be, but... its better than brown. Not that having brown hair is bad, but... for me it is.


I am sick and tired of winter and snow. Seriously, winter, just stop it. You're like a guest that doesn't know when to leave- you were fun and interesting at first, but now you've overstayed your welcome and have become just plain annoying. Get the fuck out and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

People are coming over tonight for 'movie night'. Perhaps around 16 or 17 to be packed into my apartment like sardines... should be fun. Good thing I still have beer from last weekend to help me get through! (I don't do well when thrown into the middle of a lot of people... social claustrophobia)

Until next time - - XOXO

"Nothing Sweet About Me"

Well, everything that happened yesterday has happened. Nothing I can do to change it. Moving on - -

Another week with no hours from Wendy's. So I've applied as a student janitor at the school's recreation center. I don't mind cleaning bathrooms and locker rooms too much. I personally prefer it to working with food and/or customers. I'm not exactly the best person for customer service (unless its with coffee). I should know within the next week or so if I get hired or not. I hope I do, cause I hate Wendy's...

Other than that, not a whole lot is going on. Other than hanging out with Rachel, I've been feeling pretty anti-social recently. I've just been hanging out at home a lot and just... being. I feel sorta bad for my friends cause I haven't spoken to a good number of them for around a week or so. I dunno... I'm just, bleh. I sometimes tend to deal with stress by just shutting myself out from everything and everyone except for 1 or 2 people and just stay that way for a while. I had the urge to smoke again yesterday, but was able to suppress it... Hopefully I can continue to suppress it.

I really want a punching bag... I have all this tension and anger that I want to get out but can't get out by just exercising. And I have a feeling that if I just let loose on a punching bag for 30 minutes or so, I will just be A-OK.

Starting to look at graduate schools on the west coast. Maybe Portland or Seattle... Part of me is even thinking Vancouver, but I really don't want to have to pay international fees. So maybe I'll just move out to the Seattle area, work for a year, get state citizenship, and then apply to grad school (much cheaper). La...

Gabriella Cilmi - Sweet About Me
Uploaded by GabriellaCilmi

...Warning: LONG....

Today has just been completely emotionally trying, and it is still the morning. And I've been thinking- like I tend to do too much. (This post may be just a rant of sorts...)

I think I am becoming a person which my parents, or just family in general, really won't like. I am absolutely loving my women's studies classes, and it has opened my eyes to a lot of shit around me that I knew upset me but I had no ways of defining them. Also my Asian-American class has opened my eyes to issues that I would never have seen before. This whole idea of 'otherness'... and other than being a lesbian, I have taken being socially invisible for granted. But now that I can stand back and look at world through different eyes, it is amazing. I've begun to question preconcieved notions and norms and think i'm growing as a person. It's too bad that it is a person that I think my parents won't really like... I'm on the path of femme-nazi-ism, apparently.

I watch TV now and see commercials and get irritated by the blatant sexism and stereotypes used to sell products. I watch the news and am skeptical of almost everything, and become frustrated when I never see newscasters who are women wearing pants, only short shirts that expose their legs. I am a feminist. Unfortunantly, society likes to deal those who call themselves 'feminists' as 'radical' or 'militant'. Well fine, if that is the case then go right ahead and call me a radical or militant feminist. While you're at it, go ahead and bring up the jokes and stereotypes of a lesbian feminists.

I am also embracing my gayness more because it's a part of who I am. Yes, I like my short hair. Yes, I like looking cute and girly every once and a while, but I really like wearing (form-fitting) guy's clothes. No, I will not hide my tomboyish tendencies (ex: the way I walk, sit, stand, hold myself). Yes, I do demand the same rights as every other american in this country... I'm sorry if that disappoints you, but it's who I am.

UGH I need to stop ranting. I'm making myself angry...

I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you, but this is who I am. Part of me is starting to think that I should just move somewhere far away to get out of my family's hair so I won't be such an embarrassment or disappointment...

This past Sunday night I decided to do some meditating because I hadn't done so in a little while. So I lit some candles, turned the lights off, lit some incense, and just drifted off... it was great. Something occurred to me, though, when I was meditating. I think I know why the reason why things tend to spin out of control for me and I have some problems. I lack self-discipline.

The reason why I have my weight issues? I lack enough self-discipline to control portions and go out to exercise... My financial problems? I sometimes lack the self-discipline to stop myself from buying unneeded stuff (although I've been really good about that recently). Academic problems? I lack the self-discipline to get things done when I need to... or sometimes to even go to class.

But I want to change- I want to be better. This semester I really have been trying, but not really consciously trying. I knew I wanted to be better, but I didn't know what exactly I was changing about myself to BE better. But now that I've located that part of me I want to change, I'm going to be more forceful about it.

It may take a little while though... especially that financial part. Another week has gone by without getting any hours from Wendy's, so I am applying to two more jobs (one that I am hoping I get...).

I'll write again later~ but for now, I have to jump in the shower and get some things done.

Amazing Weekend!

That's right - - My weekend was amazing! Oh gosh... where should I start?

Friday - -

After all my classes were over, my family came to see me in BG, which was awesome. My car was finally all fixed up so they went and picked it up in Toledo (so now I also have a working car! sweetness~ she is purrin' like a kitten!).
I took them to an awesome Mexican restaurant, "Cinco de Mayo", for dinner. Then afterwards we stopped by a liquor store to get some drinkies and went back to my apartment to watch Madagascar 2. Plus my mom brought chocolate covered strawberries with canoli cream... omg fantastic!
Then after Rachel was done with work she was able to come over and meet my family, which made me really happy cause they seemed to have liked her and vice versa! :) It was great~

Saturday - -

Valentine's Day~! One word: fantastic. I made breakfast for Rachel and I and then we went out to see the new Friday the 13th movie (which scared the shit outta me, but that's ok... i'm trying to build up my tolerance of scary movies!). I gotta say, watching scary movies with her makes them tolerable ^^;;
Afterwards we went to this great Italian restaraunt (and the name escapes me, currently...), but it was SO good! And we have great timing, because we were seated immediatly, but 20 min later there was a huge f-ing line to be seated. Ha ;)
After eating and being so full I felt like I was going to explode, we went to Krogers to get some wine and goodies to go back to my apartment to watch Labrynth (YEAH David Bowie greatness! haha).
Amazing day *^^*

Sunday - -

Today started out really nice :) I made blueberry pancakes for breakfast for Rachel and I before we headed out to her church. It was my first time going, and it was a really nice experience. I was raised Roman Catholic so the whole thing seemed really alien to me (like being able to drink free coffee/drinks during the service, no kneelers, rock music, high tech stuff, etc), but I really liked it :) I also went to meet her parents there, but they weren't able to make it. I really nervous to meet them, but maybe meeting them at a later date would be better anyway.
I was planning on driving home for the family birthday parties, if only to see the amazing tank cake my mom made. But I had to do laundry and lots of homework that I know I wouldn't be able to finish if I went home... so instead I stayed here and got a lot of stuff accomplished that I hoped I would.

Well, I should start doing some more readings for this week's classes. Until next time! :)

XOXO

EDIT:

My stomach is rebelling against me... I'm having horrible stomach aches and get sick every time I eat... its not even like I'm eating bad things! Like, getting sick after eating tomato soup. Really, stomach? wtf? Or a turkey sandwich with yogurt? Really? I thought it was because I may not be drinking enough water, but I've drank, like 6 cups of water today... Thanks, mom, for giving me a spectacular digestive system! *thumbs up* I'm going to lie down and hopefully I feel better... ugh....

Ok. Lets talk, shall we?

(This is generally directed at one person, but I think it can be a pretty general sweeping statement.)
OKAY. See this picture? It's a visual representation of how I currently feel. Because I feel like I am sometimes speaking to a brick wall and it makes me want to bang my head into one.

I understand that we have different political views and views on society... we have for a while now. But you know me, and I have always been the kind of person who listens to both sides of an argument and doesn't judge or jump to conclusions. This is coming from the girl who, at a campus demonstration where Obama and McCain supporters were yelling at each other after the Palin speech, walked over to a McCain supporter and shook her hand thanking her for having another opinion. Because this country would be absolutely nothing without another person's different viewpoint or belief.

With that said, I wish you would please respect the fact that I DO have my own political and social views, and yes they sometimes and often do differ from yours. But that does not mean that I often antagonize and criticize your beliefs. When Bush was in office for 8 years, I would often keep my mouth shut when everyone ELSE was making snide comments and statements. Why? Because I know how you feel and don't want to cause any friction in our relationship because I love you.

So what do you do? You, knowing how I feel, time after time send me constant little things that degrade my political views and how I feel. Could you please give me the same respect that I've given you in the past? Just because we don't agree doesn't mean that I am not properly informed and need you to spoon-feed me information. I feel very passionate about issues like gay marriage, but know that I should not discuss it with you because you feel the way you do and nothing I say can change it, and I don't want to enter into that sort of conversation. So I put aside my own feelings and beliefs to help our relationship run smoother...

Please, respect the way I feel. You are allowed to disagree and have your own opinion, you always have. Let me have mine. If you continue to send me degrading articles, I will begin deleting them on sight. I don't need you to spoon feed me, and I can find my own ways of acquiring information. And also, please don't jump to conclusions about my political views either... I DO have my own skepticisms and some doubts (because it IS the government, and they can never be trusted. You know how I am, I always ask questions and am skeptic), but I am trying to be hopeful for a better future. Maybe you should do the same.

And remember, I love you even though we have different views...

Another Feb. Day

Oddly enough, it's fairly warm recently! Perfect jogging weather :)

Not a whole lot is going on for me. Just spending my time working, taking classes, spending time with my girlfriend... now that it's getting warmer, I'm trying to go running in the morning before I go to classes. I'm trying my damndest to lose weight! I eat well (like, natural food, lots of fruits/veggies, low fat...), I walk everywhere, do sit-ups and pushups... why is it so hard for me to lose weight?? :( I want to at least lose another 10 lbs before the summer. See those puny arms? I need to tone up!


Work pretty much sucks. But I'm dealing with it. They finally trained me to do work other than runner- FRIES! How fucking lucky am I? Well, the work is much better than runner. I can just focus on having fries and chicken nuggets set up, cooking, and put out on time. So I can finally pace myself pretty well. Only downside is that that fry area is hot as hell! My whole right arm is this nice shade of sun-burn pink after around 30 minutes. I also burned myself on the metal chicken nugget fryer cage (the one you dunk in hot oil). I picked it up to dump it into the container, but moved to avoid hitting someone and scalded my right elbow. Now there is this big V-shaped brand on my arm that I hope goes away soon. Hurts like a bitch... and I didn't have time to run cold water under it after I burned myself so I had to stay at the fry area (and have that arm under the heating lamps.. yeah, that made it hurt more). The picture to the left is my 'I hate my job' face... but hey, I get my first paycheck this friday! Maybe I will get that haircut I so desperately need.

My family is coming to see me this Friday! I'm so excited :) I wanna take them to this amazing Mexican restaurant that my girlfriend took me to a little while ago called "Cinco de Mayo's". (Planning on getting that quesidilla again... SO good!). Then on V-day Rachel and I will be going out to the Zoo and maybe go to see "Friday the 13th" (I know, perfect date movie, right? haha).

Alright, time to hit the hay. Got another full day of classes tomorrow~ maybe I'll go for a jog in the morning, too :) ("Forever Begins" by Common is an amazing feel good song...)

Until next time~
XOXO

PS: These guys near my apartment building took the snow in their front yard and decided to waste their time in the most splendid way possible and create a giant snow dinosaur! Earlier this month they also constructed a gorilla, a dragon, and people watching Mtv... pretty bad ass :)

Being Wendy's Bitch

It's been so long since I've had a part-time job (on top of taking classes) that I am pretty tired already- and I just started! How lame am I?

My first day of work at Wendy's was complete chaos and exhausting. (I should have known it would be a bad night after there was a fire in the union before I got there and they had to evacuate everyone...)They gave me the job of being the "runner". That means that I am the person who looks up at the tiny screen 10 ft away, reads the orders, places the proper food in the bags, calls out the number to the people waiting in front, and gives them their food. Sounds simple, right? Well, for the most part it wasn't too bad. I was able to keep up for the most part. But the runner is a really important (and one of the most difficult) job because if you fuck up, it messes EVERYONE up. Well, about 2 hours into my shift, it got SUPER busy... and the manager had left me alone and I got so confused, was messing orders up, was getting snapped at by the customers and the sandwich makers... I just wanted to cry. He told me later "I did that on purpose because its a trial by fire thing and you have to learn". I wanted to ring his fucking neck... its my first fucking day, asshole, and you just taught me this shit 1 hour ago and didn't tell me what the abbreviations for sandwiches are and I'm confused! I wanted to shove my wendy's nametag down this throat and call it quits right then and there.

So after that shift was over, I went home, aching all over, and stumbled into my apartment completely exhausted physically and emotionally. First thing I did was take a shot of sake then took a hot shower to get the smell of fried disgusting food off of me.

I hate my job... I just started, but I am sick of working with food. Every single job i've ever had, it's been with food. I'm sick of it! I have a 6 hour shift today from 2-8, and I am dreading it... you shouldn't dread work :( I miss my old cafe job... at least I have a passion for coffee even if it IS food, but I don't even fucking eat fast food! I hate the stuff!!

now I've gone and made myself upset and mad.... damnit.. :( I will keep this job, but I won't stop looking for other work. 7.30/hr isn't worth it...

EDIT:

Yeah, alright, I'm going to stick it through... I came to the realization that no one really likes their job and it is a sucky part of life that everyone has to deal with. Beggars can't be choosers, and I should be happy that I even HAVE a job after the horrible luck i've had. I should also be happy that I only have to work weekends and not during the week. So I will bite my tongue, grit my teeth, and bear with the shitiness that is Wendy's for the few hours that I have to work. It's only 6 hours... and even though it will suck, this too shall pass, and I will be home tonight in bed after a hot shower with hot tea and maybe talking to my wonderful girlfriend on the phone (aka- happiness ^^). And then, no work again until Friday night. Life goes on~